Stud puppy
by wanderingsmith
Summary: S/W - 'Fluffy crackfic', I think are the words, -eg-


Summary: Crackfic, I think is the word (eg)  
Rating: PG13  
Beta: the lovely comanche_rider  
Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this.

AN: _half my own fault, half challenged by anuna. -I should be fast asleep by now, its way too late!-_

**Chapter one**

"You are such a stud-puppy!"

John choked, blushing to the roots of his hair, "You did *not* just call me that!"

"Don't be silly! You agree, don't you, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth swallowed her incipient grin, "Oh no, don't drag me into this. I'm not making my military commander do something that makes him that uncomfortable!"

John stuck his tongue out at his torturer then ran out the door, wondering if he could sneak out with the next SG-team and stay away until it was safe.

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John gaped at the crazy-woman chasing him, not stopping on his hurried path, ignoring the grins of the passing soldiers, "Stop calling me that!"

"Well you *are* darling. And the women will absolutely *adore* you. And will pay handsomely for one night with you."

"A *night*!!" he rolled his eyes at the too-near cement ceiling.

"Oh come *on*, colonel-puppy, it's for a good cause!"

"NO!!" he was half-running as he finally saw his destination.

"Look, it's for little kids to go to somewhere called Disney world, although I'd never heard of *that* planet-"

"Is there *any* way to shut her up?" John whined at the spectacled man ignoring the two invaders of his cluttered domain.

"Not that I've ever found," Daniel didn't bother raising his head from the book he was trying to decipher, used to people walking in on him when faced with Vala. Nothing he said was ever going to dispel the notion that he was her keeper.

"You can agree with me," she answered helpfully for him.

Daniel cocked his head up for a second, "Actually, that *does* usually work."

"No!"

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"I don't see why colonel-puppy should-"

"Hey!!" John looked at the man at the head of the table, expecting a reprimand to be forthcoming.

The man shrugged, "Sorry son. She has permission from on up; we're all pawns."

"See, colonel-st-"

"**OK**!! Fine already! Just don't ever call me that again or all bets are off." He met Elizabeth's sympathetic look and took a deep breath, feeling his gut clench in dread.

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"Ladies! Welcome to the first Cheyenne Mountain bachelor auction!" Vala grinned, right in her element, "At the request of the men, and with the agreement of the commanding general -who is number.. 23-" she waited out the hoots and hollers, "The rules again fighting between soldiers... are hereby lifted for the evening! They apparently find it sexy to have us women fight over *them* for a change; go figure," her last words were drowned out as the roomful of female soldiers cracked up with evil laughs.

"Now, without further ado, #1 -at his request- Jack O'Neill!" The leather-jacketed, aviator-glasses wearing, white T-shirt and new black jean-clad maverick did a credible runway strut and stood in the middle of the stage with his hands on his hips and a grin on his face as Vala started the bidding. Once the initial insultingly low bids were over with and the serious contenders got into it, the bids were occasionally interrupted by the sound of flesh on flesh, and bodies dropping to the floor as ambush and frontal attacks were both used to clear the field.

Watching from behind the stage curtains, John rolled his eyes at the nonsense, who the devils thought for one second that it wasn't a foregone conclusion who would win this? Bloody nonsense. He ignored the very gay turns of conversation going on around him as the rest of the poor victims got ready to be sold; literally.

Once the blond in her own leather jacket went on stage to collect her prize using a bloodied fist around his shirt collar, John turned away, wishing he could punch something. Or better yet that the alert klaxon would sound.

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Vala watched Sergeant Walters get dragged off-stage with a pleased smile for the man, "Well that was another entertaining combat ladies. Now who's next.. Oh my. A visitor from another galaxy no less! Ladies! John Sheppard!" She heard the indrawn breaths before she could turn her head to look, but when she did, her eyes widened and she had to bite her lip to keep from starting to laugh. Oh dear, the poor lad *really* didn't know the effect he had...

Elizabeth had, up until now, stood well on the sideline and enjoyed the show of hard-working women relaxing in an unorthodox way. But now she knew she had to step in; she couldn't let John get chained any further into this. She'd just made her way near the front when she saw him step out and realized that she was going to have her work cut out for her.

John in uniform would have cost a bit to rescue. John in dirty BDUs with a grin, also not cheap. But John. Dishevelled. In a half-buttoned, miss-buttoned, wrinkled, half-untucked, crisp white, very-short-sleeved shirt and low-slung, worn-soft black jeans. Grumpy, belligerent look that passed too easily for sexy, especially with the dusting of scrub on his cheeks. Hands on hips and army boots firmly planted. Good God.

It took her a second to catch her breath through an annoyingly hot stab of arousal and refocus as Vala opened the bidding. And then she felt the tension of the other women in the air and realized that money was going to be the least of her problems.

As soon as he heard Elizabeth's voice bid, John caught her eye and started to relax; safe. He was safe. He might owe her a fortune, but she'd keep him safe. Then he caught sight of a marine sergeant sneaking toward Elizabeth with a determined glare on her face and he remembered the spectacles he'd just watched. Shit!

He was moving before he finished the thought. Hopping off the stage and landing between Elizabeth and the marine in a crouch, snarling at the woman to back off.

"Hey! They're not allowed to pick their own owners!" The voice was anonymous in the roaring crowd.

"*He* isn't picking." Elizabeth, smiling toothily, laid a hand calmly on the bare skin at the back of his neck, controlling her expression and staring down every woman in sight. "Now, does anyone else want to counter my bid?" Her voice was smooth as silk, but the steel under it was as plain as the subterranean growl coming from John.

Vala's eyes were shining with glee, acknowledging to herself that watching the usually diplomatic Dr. Weir not so metaphorically lay claim to her colonel by the scruff of his neck and threaten any woman that dared to trespass; and watching him accept it without batting an eye... was worth the bids that weren't going to be coming up for the man. Speaking of which, "Yes, any more bids?" she looked at the measuring glances being thrown at the two Atlanteans, "No? Alright, Colonel Sheppard goes to Dr. Weir, who has won herself.." Vala's mouth gaped as she read the man's card, "Err, a night in the hell of his choosing."

Elizabeth choked, giving John, now standing and slowly relaxing besides her, a laughing look.

He shrugged, "What? It was all I could think of as an escape.. I thought she was going to read those as part of the intro. Thought it'd turn most women off..."

Elizabeth ran her eyes over him from head to toe and smirked, "You need to learn a few things John. You really do."

He crossed his arms and glared at the stage mutinously, "Do we have to come back here so often?"


End file.
